Tuesday, November 2, 2010


I've been feeling so weird lately. I think I am having somewhat of an identity crises. I just hate change and I feel like a rug has been ripped out from under me and pieces are just falling everywhere where they didn't originally belong.

I know this world doesn't revolve around me and many worse things are happening out there. So feel free to just not read this because it's nothing compared to what other people have experienced. I'm just taking some time to write out my thoughts, a little blog therapy.

There are somethings in my childhood that have been constants all the way up until recently. It seems like all at once these things have disappeared and it just leaves me kind of empty. The funny thing is that none of these things have anything to do with me, but the fact that they are disappearing has me very upset, in tears actually, and sometimes I can see how silly it is and other times I can't.
The first one is my parent's cookie store. They've had this franchise since I was 10 years old. (So 16 years now). Sadly, they were victims of the economic crises and my parents lost their job as Cookies By Design owners. Every time I call my mom she is selling the store equipment and I hate it. I feel like a piece of me has died with that dumb cookie store. I have so many memories growing up and decorating cookies, pulling bows, deliveries and it's sad to see it die. I also worry about my parents and how they will make their living. I want them to be ok...

The second is my brother and sister-n-law. They've been together since I was 11 years old and have recently decided to divorce. I can't dish out too much here because I don't want to get myself in trouble but there are so many things that don't make sense to me. I don't understand why. I looked up to them as beating the odds. They were supposed to be together forever. They took vows! They may have had some bumps thrown their way but they were always so in love. I don't even know how to not picture them together. I just don't understand this at all.

Finally, my childhood cat died yesterday. This I'm sure will ease after a few weeks but it's still painful. We got him when I was in 6th grade and he had more lives than any cat out there. I also thought he was going to be around forever. I'm starting to notice a trend here...

Of course Brad and I have some big changes coming up and I'm sure that is triggering why I am a big teary mess right now. I'm sad to be leaving Germany, all the friends we've made, and move from the only house Brad and I spent more than a year at. Miles has so many firsts here and sometimes I wish we could just pick one spot and stay. I'm sad to get into deployment mode again and have to deal with the change of not having my husband for 7 months at a time.

I think God is trying to get my attention right now with all of this. I get so dependent on other things and people and I take comfort when things stay the same and everyone is happy. It's like God has turned my little cushion world upside down so I'll depend on him and not everyone else. I know all the above things sound so petty. But, each one of those things means so much to me. It's time for me to do some serious thinking.


Anonymous said...

I will keep these things in my prayers for you and your family, as they all are dear to you.
Hang in there. As you said, we are all so blessed, but there are so many changes and uncertanties in the World. If we look to God, He will direct the path to be traveled.
Love you all.

Suzi said...

Life is but constant changes.....but God never changes, He does however turn up the heat in our lives for our growth in Him.
You seem to understand this and are willing to embrace His wonderful work in your life! Love you SO MUCH!

The Letteer Family said...

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all of this right now. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you! We do have a second car now so I can come and visit!! Life can be pretty tough at times. :(